To Feed the Good Wolf

“As it is, we are merely bolting our lives—gulping down undigested experiences as fast as we can stuff them in—because awareness of our own existence is so superficial and so narrow that nothing seems to us more boring than simple being. If I ask you what you did, saw, heard, smelled, touched and tasted yesterday, I am likely to get nothing more than the thin, sketchy outline of the few things that you noticed, and of those only what you thought worth remembering. Is it surprising that an existence so experienced seems so empty and bare that its hunger for an infinite future is insatiable? But suppose you could answer, “It would take me forever to tell you, and I am much too interested in what’s happening now.” How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such a fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself as anything less than a god? And, when you consider that this incalculably subtle organism is inseparable from the still more marvelous patterns of its environment—from the minutest electrical designs to the whole company of the galaxies—how is it conceivable that this incarnation of all eternity can be bored with being?”

~ Alan Watts, The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

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This quote found its way into my world while reading Elephant Journal this morning. I can’t quite say that I have digested the magnitude of its simplicity and its depth. But I assure myself in this moment that is NOW, I will turn over every stone, and re-examine all that I have told myself until I am at peace with the stillness of simply being.
Some days I am there; basking in the light of unconditional love and surrender to all that I have done and all that has been done to me. Other days I am on the other side of this world that I am trying so hard to release and rebuild; so far gone that it feels like I will never be free.
At the mercy of my own rebirth? Nothing else matters more to me. The light is either on or it’s off. I can’t go back to sleep. As much as I want to sometimes. I cannot. I will not!
Absorbed by my senses would mean the absence of pain…and suffering…and control…
Learning to love means learning to love me. Misinterpreting my experiences is what created this disconnection in the first place. So a good place to start would be blessing the past before I even attempt to release it. I think that’s where a lot of us miss the mark with this kind of work. We have been so focused on letting shit go and thinking positive…but it’s counterproductive if we can’t make our peace with it.
The art of presence intrigues me just as much as the madness that drove me straight into that wall.
”Practice”, they whisper to me….”Practice what you know to be true deep inside of your bones….”
My relationship constantly mirrors back to me how far I have come and how far I have yet to go with myself. As much as we convince ourselves it is the ”other”….it is us…it is always us. Not selfishly all about me, but truthfully– energetically, it is me. What is happening ”out there” is a manifestation of what is happening ”in here”, on some level.
My fears and anxieties take up so much energy and space that I cannot possibly experience the purity of flavors, feelings and aromas as they are intended for me. Alan Watts, you couldn’t have knocked me across the head with this beautiful truth at a better time. Thank you!
Dear Lover, thank you for being my mirror, my rock and my anchor. Thank you for showing me the beauty of light and darkness, for demonstrating transformation, and  for believing in me…
Dearest self, today is the first day of the rest of your life. All is forgiven. All is forgotten. Everything is Now!
Today I feel like a newborn child.
Every single moment is an opportunity to turn it all around; to get closer to the good shit and further away from the bad shit. To feed the good wolf…

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Original content @laurensuzanne.com/2014
Photo by Dave Hickey @hicspix