Hiding

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In case you haven’t noticed, I just recently started sharing some pretty intimate details about the most difficult time of my life thus far. I have been challenged in ways that I was nowhere near prepared for– physically, mentally and spiritually. I was almost going to say that I’ve been to hell and back but that’s not true at all. I have been given the opportunity to become something new.

Was it the health issues that inspired the spiritual crisis or the other way around? At this point in the game I am only interested in gathering the wisdom that I’ve been gifted from these experiences and moving forward. Pain pills, surgeries, antibiotics, weight loss, depression, hopelessness and all of the other crap that came along with it is behind me now.

“When the doors of perception are cleansed, things will appear as they truly are.”

With that being said, I came across this little gem this morning and had to post it here. I guess this is my way of truly honoring the darkness and the hiding. I knew I was being rerouted the entire time, even when I was kicking and screaming.

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HIDING

is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snow bound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated. We are hidden by life in our mother’s womb until we grow and ready ourselves for our first appearance in the lighted world; to appear too early in that world is to find ourselves with the immediate necessity for outside intensive care.

Hiding done properly is the internal faithful promise for a proper future emergence, as embryos, as children or even as emerging adults in retreat from the names that have caught us and imprisoned us, often in ways where we have been too easily seen and too easily named. We live in a time of the dissected soul, the immediate disclosure; our thoughts, imaginings and longings exposed to the light too much, too early and too often, our best qualities squeezed too soon into a world already awash with ideas that oppress our sense of self and our sense of others. What is real is almost always to begin with, hidden, and does not want to be understood by the part of our mind that mistakenly thinks it knows what is happening. What is precious inside us does not care to be known by the mind in ways that diminish its presence.

Hiding is an act of freedom from the misunderstanding of others, especially in the enclosing world of oppressive secret government and private entities, attempting to name us, to anticipate us, to leave us with no place to hide and grow in ways unmanaged by a creeping necessity for absolute naming, absolute tracking and absolute control. Hiding is a bid for independence, from others, from mistaken ideas we have about our selves, from an oppressive and mistaken wish to keep us completely safe, completely ministered to, and therefore completely managed. Hiding is creative, necessary and beautifully subversive of outside interference and control. Hiding leaves life to itself, to become more of itself. Hiding is the radical independence necessary for our emergence into the light of a proper human future.

© David Whyte: March 2014: Excerpted from ‘HIDING’ From the upcoming book of essays CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire

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I have no idea if everything happens for a reason or if life is just simply random and full of possibilities. I do not claim to be an expert in any particular field or subject. All I have to offer you is a testimony of my own experiences. I am a woman in search of the highest expression of herself, and I am discovering more and more every single day exactly what it takes to walk through the fire of life without getting burned.

Six months ago I woke up with a strange and uncomfortable burning sensation that felt like a turbo charged yeast infection on wheels.  I went in to see a doctor as quickly as possible to find out what in the hell was going on. She informed me that I had a bartholin cycst. I was sent home with specific instructions to take at least two sitz baths a day in the hottest water I could stand. I followed her instructions and by the fifth day the pain had reached a level that I didn’t even know was physically possible. I did a shot of whiskey and rushed to the ER. The doctor informed me that I should not have been sent home and that the condition of the cyst now required emergency surgery.

This health care system that is supposed to provide a certain level of trust and comfort truly scares the shit out of me. Thank god for the liquid valium and morphine the kind nurse asked me to snort up my nose because I was about to go completely insane.

Bartholin cyst? WTF? I had absolutely no idea that these tiny, little pea sized glands were about to change my whole world. When I asked the doc to tell me more about them, he just said that they were responsible for providing lubrication. I am a 32 years old, highly sexual woman, being told told that my ability to get wet has been compromised. I wanted to break things! Thankfully, after tons more research,I discovered that the bartholin glands are small change compared to the glands that really make things happen. The happy dance that followed just might go down in history as the happiest of all happy dances, ever!

The doctor who performed the surgery inserted a word catheter into the gland. This is a method that supposedly lowers the risk of recurrence. After a month of waddling around like a mama duck, I had it removed as instructed. Less than a month later another one popped up in the same exact place. My doctor says that these things just happen to some women and that I may just have to learn to live with it. Hmmmmmm…….how about NO FUCKING WAY?!?! 

I spent the next several months searching for natural ways to heal my body. I experimented with everything from homeopathic silicea tablets to medicinal mushrooms. Guided meditation and visualization techniques, along with some energy work and reiki, provided by myself and a very dear friend, proved to be the most helpful. I have been studying and applying natural healing for years, so I knew that I could heal this on my own.

No more surgery! No more doctors who don’t know what the hell they’re doing! 

That stupid saying, ”when it rains, it pours”, has turned out to be true, after all. Two weeks ago another bartholin cyst manifested on the other side, but this one was just as painful as the first one. This time I had a fever and severe body aches as a result of infection. I rushed to the doctor again. She said that she had to do the surgery right then and there with no drugs this time, just lidocain. I felt the entire procedure. Traumatizing would be an understatement! I hope that none of you have ever or will ever have to experience this. But if you do, I can only hope that my journey and the things I am learning along the way can help you through it.

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I was starting to slip into a depression again after this last surgery; feeling hopeless, frustrated and angry at the world. Pain meds, antibiotics, isolation….I was losing steam, fast. Then the miracle moment happened. One of my best friends who is going through a nasty divorce called me to talk. The details of her current challenges in life inspired me to tell her the story about the fire walk I did back in December of 2012.

Heather Ash, author and founder of the T.O.C.I center here in Austin, offered a workshop before our walk. During this workshop she shared personal experiences of loss and transformation. She also thought it was important for us to understand, scientifically, how we could walk on hot coals without getting burned. She went on to say that the energy within our body must be higher than the energy of the fire if we are to make it through.

Between the drums, the dancing, clapping and chanting, we were able to raise the energy within ourselves and for each other. Over 100 people walked through the fire that night without getting burned, and I was one of them. My body is challenging me to raise my energy right now, to be higher than the fire of my dis-ease. I’m no longer sad or angry or depressed. I’m becoming a finely tuned machine of power and strength. Hey fire, you clearly don’t know who I am. I suggest you run as fast as you can!

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That foot on the right is my pretty, unharmed foot. This pic was taken less than 15 minutes after I walked through fire.The hot coals left an ashy residue and that’s it!

“My body now restores itself to its natural state of perfect health!”

I plan on documenting and sharing as much as I can from here on out about this experience. I have acquired so much support and information that I now feel an overwhelming responsibility to share it. It’s scary and frustrating to find very little useful information that does not include surgery or strong antibiotics. I will do my best in future posts to share the specific methods of healing and the details that are producing the best results.

Many blessing,

Lauren Suzanne