Hiding

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In case you haven’t noticed, I just recently started sharing some pretty intimate details about the most difficult time of my life thus far. I have been challenged in ways that I was nowhere near prepared for– physically, mentally and spiritually. I was almost going to say that I’ve been to hell and back but that’s not true at all. I have been given the opportunity to become something new.

Was it the health issues that inspired the spiritual crisis or the other way around? At this point in the game I am only interested in gathering the wisdom that I’ve been gifted from these experiences and moving forward. Pain pills, surgeries, antibiotics, weight loss, depression, hopelessness and all of the other crap that came along with it is behind me now.

“When the doors of perception are cleansed, things will appear as they truly are.”

With that being said, I came across this little gem this morning and had to post it here. I guess this is my way of truly honoring the darkness and the hiding. I knew I was being rerouted the entire time, even when I was kicking and screaming.

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HIDING

is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snow bound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated. We are hidden by life in our mother’s womb until we grow and ready ourselves for our first appearance in the lighted world; to appear too early in that world is to find ourselves with the immediate necessity for outside intensive care.

Hiding done properly is the internal faithful promise for a proper future emergence, as embryos, as children or even as emerging adults in retreat from the names that have caught us and imprisoned us, often in ways where we have been too easily seen and too easily named. We live in a time of the dissected soul, the immediate disclosure; our thoughts, imaginings and longings exposed to the light too much, too early and too often, our best qualities squeezed too soon into a world already awash with ideas that oppress our sense of self and our sense of others. What is real is almost always to begin with, hidden, and does not want to be understood by the part of our mind that mistakenly thinks it knows what is happening. What is precious inside us does not care to be known by the mind in ways that diminish its presence.

Hiding is an act of freedom from the misunderstanding of others, especially in the enclosing world of oppressive secret government and private entities, attempting to name us, to anticipate us, to leave us with no place to hide and grow in ways unmanaged by a creeping necessity for absolute naming, absolute tracking and absolute control. Hiding is a bid for independence, from others, from mistaken ideas we have about our selves, from an oppressive and mistaken wish to keep us completely safe, completely ministered to, and therefore completely managed. Hiding is creative, necessary and beautifully subversive of outside interference and control. Hiding leaves life to itself, to become more of itself. Hiding is the radical independence necessary for our emergence into the light of a proper human future.

© David Whyte: March 2014: Excerpted from ‘HIDING’ From the upcoming book of essays CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

Stripped Down, Gutted Out and Rewired…

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Healing isn’t easy!

Now I understand why so many people just give in to their unhealthy patterns and give up on themselves.

My body wants to be healthy, I know it does!  It is showing me that there is work that needs to be done. Move the wrong things out and the right things in.

It sounds easy…

This level of patience, faith and commitment requires the kind of strength that I didn’t even know I had.

I really wanted to go out and play today–the sun is shining, the sky is that perfect shade of blue, it’s perfect dress and boot weather, I have nowhere to be, I am a red head as of three weeks ago, and have yet to really show it off. These are all facts. So what’s the problem? Healing requires rest, and rejuvenation happens when you give your body what it needs to restructure itself. So it looks like I’m staying in today.

I get these bursts of energy that can be deceiving.

It goes a little something like this:

Ring, ring…

“Hey, baby, wanna go out and play?”

“Yes, please!”

20 minutes later….

No way! I have no desire to walk out my front door. All I want to do is eat salty things while laying my horizontal self on soft, snuggly things. No way world, we are not joining forces today! Then I beat myself up for feeling sluggish and unenthusiastic about going out,  turn on Pandora, put some red lipstick on, start getting pretty, thinking this will do the trick…it has to…red lipstick always works.

Nope, not today! Nice try, sucker!

So life has been kinda weird lately. This whole scenario is something that I go through on a regular basis. But something different happened today. As I was sitting in front of that mirror putting on that red lipstick, trying to fight off the monsters in my mind, I kept hearing the words, ”REST!!! REST!! PLEASE!!!!! Surrender to this process of purification and REST!”

It feels like I’m being stripped down, gutted out and rewired for a secret mission. My passion for healing, nutrition, spiritual growth, yoga and everything else that is sacred and holy in this world has taken on a whole new meaning; I breathe life into these limbs, these rituals, this practice of loving and caring for my whole self as if my life depended on it…

Nothing will ever be the way it was. Everything has changed.