To Feed the Good Wolf

“As it is, we are merely bolting our lives—gulping down undigested experiences as fast as we can stuff them in—because awareness of our own existence is so superficial and so narrow that nothing seems to us more boring than simple being. If I ask you what you did, saw, heard, smelled, touched and tasted yesterday, I am likely to get nothing more than the thin, sketchy outline of the few things that you noticed, and of those only what you thought worth remembering. Is it surprising that an existence so experienced seems so empty and bare that its hunger for an infinite future is insatiable? But suppose you could answer, “It would take me forever to tell you, and I am much too interested in what’s happening now.” How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such a fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself as anything less than a god? And, when you consider that this incalculably subtle organism is inseparable from the still more marvelous patterns of its environment—from the minutest electrical designs to the whole company of the galaxies—how is it conceivable that this incarnation of all eternity can be bored with being?”

~ Alan Watts, The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are


This quote found its way into my world while reading Elephant Journal this morning. I can’t quite say that I have digested the magnitude of its simplicity and its depth. But I assure myself in this moment that is NOW, I will turn over every stone, and re-examine all that I have told myself until I am at peace with the stillness of simply being.
Some days I am there; basking in the light of unconditional love and surrender to all that I have done and all that has been done to me. Other days I am on the other side of this world that I am trying so hard to release and rebuild; so far gone that it feels like I will never be free.
At the mercy of my own rebirth? Nothing else matters more to me. The light is either on or it’s off. I can’t go back to sleep. As much as I want to sometimes. I cannot. I will not!
Absorbed by my senses would mean the absence of pain…and suffering…and control…
Learning to love means learning to love me. Misinterpreting my experiences is what created this disconnection in the first place. So a good place to start would be blessing the past before I even attempt to release it. I think that’s where a lot of us miss the mark with this kind of work. We have been so focused on letting shit go and thinking positive…but it’s counterproductive if we can’t make our peace with it.
The art of presence intrigues me just as much as the madness that drove me straight into that wall.
”Practice”, they whisper to me….”Practice what you know to be true deep inside of your bones….”
My relationship constantly mirrors back to me how far I have come and how far I have yet to go with myself. As much as we convince ourselves it is the ”other”….it is us…it is always us. Not selfishly all about me, but truthfully– energetically, it is me. What is happening ”out there” is a manifestation of what is happening ”in here”, on some level.
My fears and anxieties take up so much energy and space that I cannot possibly experience the purity of flavors, feelings and aromas as they are intended for me. Alan Watts, you couldn’t have knocked me across the head with this beautiful truth at a better time. Thank you!
Dear Lover, thank you for being my mirror, my rock and my anchor. Thank you for showing me the beauty of light and darkness, for demonstrating transformation, and  for believing in me…
Dearest self, today is the first day of the rest of your life. All is forgiven. All is forgotten. Everything is Now!
Today I feel like a newborn child.
Every single moment is an opportunity to turn it all around; to get closer to the good shit and further away from the bad shit. To feed the good wolf…


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Photo by Dave Hickey @hicspix

I am Energy in a Pretty Dress

Shit talkin’ and dream catchin’ barely sums it up, but it sounds like a good title for my book, or at least a chapter somewhere in the middle. I really should be writing every day. This is where everything falls apart and comes back together. This is where I’m free.

Learning to love everything is the most creative thing I have ever dared to do with my life. Owning and loving the really shitty parts of myself made it possible for me to slowly become someone I really enjoy being with all the bloody time. Using  darkness as a tool to get closer to the light. This is where life becomes intentional–when you start taking your own breath away instead of sitting around, waiting for someone else to.

The most profound relationship you will ever have with anyone is the one that you have with yourself. So why not bust your bum to make it an epic journey?

I was listening to a guided meditation recently…I can’t remember who or what but she said something that shook me… “You are here to learn how to manipulate energy.”

Most of us find ourselves frustrated or disappointed with what is in front of our face and choose to react or respond to that very thing. What if you could shift the entire experience with your own energy? What if life really is intended to be a conscious and deliberate experience?

We have got to be inventive enough to give exactly what it is that we want from others, or from life, period! Otherwise it’s just selfish narcissism and a bad case of a superiority complex. Reaching for something higher, apologizing faster and more frequently, honest forgiveness, exploring the element of responsibility. Yea, these are a few of my favorite things…

Who am I?

What have I become?

I am everything and I am nothing.

I am energy in a pretty dress.

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Woman, Roar!!!

Sometimes I am wild.
Sometimes my heart beats to the rhythm of my most passionate fantasies; completely in sync with the vibration of the sun and the moon and the itty bitty crystals that live within the rocks.
Sometimes everything is quiet and sweet…
Sometimes I don’t give a shit.
Sometimes I care too much.
Sometimes everything feels alive.
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed.
Sometimes I can feel electricity in the air.
Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all.


Woman, what would you do if you knew you could not fail? What would you do if everything was right and everything was ok?
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself! You came a little closer to your edge today. Buried beneath thoughts that have no meaning. Stuck in the sound of rage and misunderstanding. Butterflies long to land on your face. Stop sinking…
Hold the light inside of you longer this time. I know that you want to be everything…and I’m here to tell you that you are. All of these earth angels and dreamy beings are reflections of you, completely. Learning how to love can be different. Those cords got stuck in you somewhere in ancients times. I am here to take them out so that you can be free. Headstands, spring water and pretty colors excite you. Flavor makes you melt. Creating turns you into a goddess. Candlelight calms your restless mind. Who told you that you were too much? Who told you that you were not enough? They lied! You are perfectly complex. Your process is messy and intense and absolutely beautiful! Sometimes you touch things softly with your fingertips. Sometimes you tear things apart.

Photo: Lauren Suzanne by George McCarthy

to stay even-minded during pleasure and pain….


i write because i have a world inside of me that won’t let me sleep until i release its messages and mysteries. i write because i have a deep desire to make connections with others and between things. i write because i have no choice but to write. i write because i believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that the closer i get to my own center, i may gift another with a bridge, a parachute or maybe a snorkel of some sort.




“learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. life should be touched, not strangled. you’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and let others move forward with it.” ~ ray bradbury


today i am moved to purge all of the little treasures that i have been collecting over the last few months. thankfully i have finally removed myself from the race against time. not to say i don’t get overwhelmed or cranky or flat out freaked out sometimes…but it is happening less and less. i get it now. time is an illusion designed to scare the shit out of us. no thank you! i’m more interested in finding my place in a vibration that lifts me to a higher state of being.

close your eyes and imagine a world that is yours. feel the importance of yourself. we are the agents of our own happiness. it really is quite simply up to you. i’m tired of hearing myself say, ”it’s easier said than done.” bullshit! these are the lies that we tell ourselves so that we can remain the same.

i’ve noticed that the more willing i am to ask myself uncomfortable questions. or shall is say, the more willing i become to answer them with fierce honesty, the more comfortable i become, period.

no matter how at ease i may have appeared over the years, it was a mask of survival that i designed before i knew up from down.  basically, i didn’t realize how unsafe i felt in this world until i started actually feeling safe in my own skin. i had no idea how much i tried to control outcomes and other people until i honestly evaluated my dysfunctions. i thought i was living as a spiritual warrior of some sort, but i neglected to bring god into the equation…so apparently my spirituality only existed in my mind.


”until your knees finally hit the floor you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing. the moment of surrender is not when life is over. it’s when it begins.” ~marianne wiliamson


we learn in yoga that the disease is in the mind, and that the goal is to become less addicted to outcomes; to stay even-minded during pleasure and pain. we discover that first, we are students, no matter how advanced we become at anything. we surrender to the ultimate truth that the only way we will ever transform is to practice, and the only way this will reach its highest manifestation, is by devotion. we realize that compassion for ourselves and others makes room for miracles. we feel the stillness and become less afraid of it. we breathe deeper and more often….and learn to truly honor our breath for being the carrier of life force energy– sustaining us, supporting us and carrying us to the next moment of complete and total surrender.


our culture has taught us to complicate the shit out of things. you can choose to keep it simple.

so much love!!!!

xo, L

This Is Exactly What I Signed Up For!!!




I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false. ~Ranier Maria Rilke

Integration? Ego? Grace? Surrender?

These are all words and ways of being that I truly thought I understood quite well….until now!!!!


Life has a funny way of bringing you to the water, to the edge, to the exact experiences that you need so that you can become something greater, something higher than you were yesterday.

Yoga teacher training is not at all what I expected or hoped for it to be, but it is exactly what my spirit needed to evolve, to expand, to break down all the blocks and barriers that have kept me from the emotional and spiritual freedom that I seek. The feelings that are coming up for me in that room with the beautiful beings who not too long ago were complete strangers, has been oddly unnverving and refreshing all at the same time.

My ego wants to isolate and separate. My higher self wants to integrate, relate and expose my vulnerability.

I have been challenged in every way you could possibly imagine since the beginning of this journey. From surgery, to financial devastation, to excruciating physical pain and limitations, to severe depression, to finding out that I have to relocate by June 4th because the market value in my neighborhood has reached unthinkable heights due to the high rise condos that have taken over my once very eccentric and affordable corner of the world.

I wanted to be so much more, not only for myself but for my teachers and fellow students. I’m struggling with my commitment to a daily practice and complete and total devotion to my studies. I’m beating myself up for everything that I am not instead of embracing everything that I am. My insecurities about all of this has turned me into somewhat of a narcissist. It feels kinda gross to be completely honest with you.

Another interesting thing I have discovered about myself; I talk about myself in a boastful manner when I’m nervous or when I feel intellectually challenged. My ego desperately wants to destroy all opposition and/or threats. This discovery was quite horrifying at first but now I find it almost endearing and amusing. I trust that as I find more comfort in my own body, I will be less likely to slip into silly little patterns that no longer serve me.

We must never forget that our egos and our fears have a place and a purpose. This journey of transformation is not about transcending either of these, it’s more about integrating and embracing while developing a much healthier relationship with our whole self. I have come to the realization that my ego is not the enemy, it is my protector as well as my disowned self. My studies have helped me to determine the difference between ego reaction and ego motivation. I’m willing to explore anything that comes up for me these days but sometimes I get stuck in it.

I know exactly what I need to do to balance and ground myself, yet I resist it as if it were the poison, not the cure. We are such strange creatures! Humans!

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, I am f#$@ing human! No matter how healthy I eat or how many sun salutations I complete this week. No matter how close I get to God. I’m human, and I am in a constant state of evolution, not perfection!

Conclusion found, processed and released! I am forgiven! I’m letting myself off of the hook as of right now, in this very moment. Thank God right now is the only thing that is real. Thank God I know this to be true. Thank God I wrote this post and chose to share it with you.

Yoga means union, etymologically connected to the English word yoke. Union of the litte ego-self with the Divine Self, the infinite spirit. ~Paramhansa Yogananda


Lauren Suzanne














In case you haven’t noticed, I just recently started sharing some pretty intimate details about the most difficult time of my life thus far. I have been challenged in ways that I was nowhere near prepared for– physically, mentally and spiritually. I was almost going to say that I’ve been to hell and back but that’s not true at all. I have been given the opportunity to become something new.

Was it the health issues that inspired the spiritual crisis or the other way around? At this point in the game I am only interested in gathering the wisdom that I’ve been gifted from these experiences and moving forward. Pain pills, surgeries, antibiotics, weight loss, depression, hopelessness and all of the other crap that came along with it is behind me now.

“When the doors of perception are cleansed, things will appear as they truly are.”

With that being said, I came across this little gem this morning and had to post it here. I guess this is my way of truly honoring the darkness and the hiding. I knew I was being rerouted the entire time, even when I was kicking and screaming.



is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snow bound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated. We are hidden by life in our mother’s womb until we grow and ready ourselves for our first appearance in the lighted world; to appear too early in that world is to find ourselves with the immediate necessity for outside intensive care.

Hiding done properly is the internal faithful promise for a proper future emergence, as embryos, as children or even as emerging adults in retreat from the names that have caught us and imprisoned us, often in ways where we have been too easily seen and too easily named. We live in a time of the dissected soul, the immediate disclosure; our thoughts, imaginings and longings exposed to the light too much, too early and too often, our best qualities squeezed too soon into a world already awash with ideas that oppress our sense of self and our sense of others. What is real is almost always to begin with, hidden, and does not want to be understood by the part of our mind that mistakenly thinks it knows what is happening. What is precious inside us does not care to be known by the mind in ways that diminish its presence.

Hiding is an act of freedom from the misunderstanding of others, especially in the enclosing world of oppressive secret government and private entities, attempting to name us, to anticipate us, to leave us with no place to hide and grow in ways unmanaged by a creeping necessity for absolute naming, absolute tracking and absolute control. Hiding is a bid for independence, from others, from mistaken ideas we have about our selves, from an oppressive and mistaken wish to keep us completely safe, completely ministered to, and therefore completely managed. Hiding is creative, necessary and beautifully subversive of outside interference and control. Hiding leaves life to itself, to become more of itself. Hiding is the radical independence necessary for our emergence into the light of a proper human future.

© David Whyte: March 2014: Excerpted from ‘HIDING’ From the upcoming book of essays CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

Stripped Down, Gutted Out and Rewired…

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Healing isn’t easy!

Now I understand why so many people just give in to their unhealthy patterns and give up on themselves.

My body wants to be healthy, I know it does!  It is showing me that there is work that needs to be done. Move the wrong things out and the right things in.

It sounds easy…

This level of patience, faith and commitment requires the kind of strength that I didn’t even know I had.

I really wanted to go out and play today–the sun is shining, the sky is that perfect shade of blue, it’s perfect dress and boot weather, I have nowhere to be, I am a red head as of three weeks ago, and have yet to really show it off. These are all facts. So what’s the problem? Healing requires rest, and rejuvenation happens when you give your body what it needs to restructure itself. So it looks like I’m staying in today.

I get these bursts of energy that can be deceiving.

It goes a little something like this:

Ring, ring…

“Hey, baby, wanna go out and play?”

“Yes, please!”

20 minutes later….

No way! I have no desire to walk out my front door. All I want to do is eat salty things while laying my horizontal self on soft, snuggly things. No way world, we are not joining forces today! Then I beat myself up for feeling sluggish and unenthusiastic about going out,  turn on Pandora, put some red lipstick on, start getting pretty, thinking this will do the trick…it has to…red lipstick always works.

Nope, not today! Nice try, sucker!

So life has been kinda weird lately. This whole scenario is something that I go through on a regular basis. But something different happened today. As I was sitting in front of that mirror putting on that red lipstick, trying to fight off the monsters in my mind, I kept hearing the words, ”REST!!! REST!! PLEASE!!!!! Surrender to this process of purification and REST!”

It feels like I’m being stripped down, gutted out and rewired for a secret mission. My passion for healing, nutrition, spiritual growth, yoga and everything else that is sacred and holy in this world has taken on a whole new meaning; I breathe life into these limbs, these rituals, this practice of loving and caring for my whole self as if my life depended on it…

Nothing will ever be the way it was. Everything has changed.